In this thread I will teach you to cook food, in terms you can understand, because you are all fat pieces of shit who need to stop going and eating taco bell three times a day. You won't need to be a chef to understand how to make this stuff. Your lady (or man?) will be impressed!

Stupid shit will be ignored you fucks, "haha fried sperm," go kill yourself and jerk it to trap porn.

You can either describe a dish. I will also only describe meals that won't break the bank.

So what do you fat /lounge/ fucks want to eat tonight?

How much ketchup is appropriate to have with my well done steak?

Chicken fettuccine alfredo

>>1
can you make shit food amazing?

>>1
How many chicken tendies should my mom make? I invited a woman to our house for dinner. A human woman! I want to make sure it's perfect.

>>1
Talk me through how to make Heston Blumenthol's black forest gateau faget

is wholegrain pasta ok to eat when you are on a diet? i really like spaghetti

>>1 Can you teach me to properly prepare Kid's Cuisine?

No matter which one I buy, there's never any penquin meat inside.

Girlfriend is a veggie, I'm a meat eater, any advice you can give me to blow her mind? I'm pretty good in the kitchen, I like to experiment and try new things and I'm slightly above average in the kitchen. Gimme something tasty brah.

How do I make a risotto?

What's a good aphrodisiac meal, preferably bite sized so I can give them to girls I meet at bars and also how fast do they work.

teach me how to make a proper carbonara

>>1
Sushi and italian food talented chef here monitoring your thread.

How do I make maruchan brand ramen that isn't total shit?

>>7
No grains, no dairy. It's so simple, but so hard for people to follow.

>>3
OK, knew this would come up

Here is what you do. First, go to the FUCKING STORE, I know its hard for you fat fucks to not order food from a drive though. Here is what you buy.

1 pound of chicken breast (boneless is easiest)
Coarse salt (any salt is fine really)
Ground black pepper
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
2 cups heavy cream
a garlic clove, use to taste, but 4 piece or "cloves" should be enough
3/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese, plus more for serving
1 pound fettucine pasta (any past works, you want to use fucking clown wheel pasta? whatever, its fine)

put water in another pot to the side, for pasta, large pot, half way full, turn to high so that shit boils, and throw in the noodles until soft

Take the fucking chicken, cut into fucking strips.

meanwhile. put the fucking butter in the pan, over medium heat and toss in the salt and pepper, and the carlic, dices, once the butter melts, stir in the chicken. When chicken is cooked, about 5 - 7 minutes, stir in cream.

Now the part that makes it dank. Take your noodles, and strain them (so you don't have a fucking watery mess) stir into that pan along with the cheese until it is dank and yummy.

Eat it.

>>14
Crack an egg and put some frozen vegetables in it

>>17
Thank you for giving me this knowledge senpai

Bitch I got abs, (and the shyness of a total sperglord) what do them lady type goils seem to go for?

>>9
real simple. make shit like Spagetti in red sauce. But, sautee the mushrooms and onions in a pan in bacon fat or use a pan you just fried a pork chop or did a nice steak in. Be sure to NOT tell her you did this.

>>9
Ok, this is fun. I am going to assume your girl will eat butter, if not, the vegan shit will work just fine. This can be a side dish, but you can also use it as a meal in itself, it is very filling

Here is what you fucking need.

1 large butter nut squash.
dried rosemary, 2 table spoons
1 stick of fucking butter (you don't need all of if)
Salt and fucking pepper

Thats it.

Take the squash and cut it in half length wise, dont fucking cut yourself, and removed the seeds with a spoon, peel the skin off the outside with a potato peeler.

Dice squash meat into one inch cubes

throw half the stick of butter in a larger pan, diced, put in a pinch of salt and pepper, and rose mary.

medium heat till melted

throw in squash.

Cook, stir occasionally until soft, about 20 minutes. Done.

ITT: americans learning how to cook the simplest shit

You guys are cute.

Ragatoni al'arrabbiata

Sure thing retard, here is how you do it:

3 tablespoons salt
olive oil
½ cup tomato paste (yes a fucking can, PASTE NOT SAUCE there is a fucking difference)

1 tablespoon hot red-pepper flakes (save money by getting it in the hispanic isle, its all the same shit)

1.5 cups chopped tomatoes, FOR RETARDS THIS IS 2 MEDIUM TOMATOES, DON'T USE ROMA THEY RE SHIT

1 pound penne (AGAIN ANY PASTA WILL FUCKING WORK clown wheels for kids, whatever)

Shit Parmesan cheese in a can

OK

Bring 6 quarts of fucking water to a boil in a large pot, and add 3 tablespoons salt (helps the noodles) Drop the pasta into the boiling water, and cook until al dente (means soft you retards, but not TOO soft). keep 1/4 cup of the pasta water.

some olive oil in another fucking pan, medium heat add the tomato paste and pepper flakes reduce the heat to low and stir faggot, about 4 minutes. Stir in the tomatoes, and remove from the heat.

OK

Add the pasta and the water to the tomato sauce, stir and toss over medium heat until the pasta looks dank add the a little more oil, tossing well. Serve immediately, with grated cheese

its good faggot

Cube up a bunch of potatoes

douse them heavily with olive oil

salt/pepper/lawry's/blackening/granulated garlic/ w/e

places on baking sheet with foil.

425 degrees for 25-30mins

broiled fucking potatoes.

i'm going to give you all of my easy student recipes, for you. I'm lucky enough to have an oven but i'll assume you don't.

easy mushroom pastas:
-shallots, garlic
-mushrooms(white ones, really cheap)
-butter
-cream
-pasta
dice the garlic and shallots, put in a pan with preheated butter, as soon as they start to smell good and be lightly golden, put the diced mushrooms.
Wait until they have given all of their water away, they they'll start to grill a little. Add cream.
Meanwhile, cook the pasta, like 1 or 2 minutes less than required, and put it into the sauce. The pasta will finish it's cooking inside the sauce. This works with every sauce.

POTATOES

skin the potatoes, dice the potatoes (be careful, buy a "recommanded for grilled potatoes" variety or else they won't grill duh)
i put diced shallots with a garlic clove, but do as you like.
Heat the butter, put the potatoes in and close the pan with a lid: strong fire.
DO NOT OPEN THE LID UNTIL THE SMELL OF POTATOES COME OUT STRONGLY
then, remove the lid and reduce the fire, and wait for like 15?20? minutes. taste them to see if they're grilled outside but soft inside.
This will cook them well.
Easy and cheap.

wapanese noodles
-noodles (somen are nice!)
-chicken
-onion
-zucchini
dice the chicken and zucchini, slice the onion
cook them into a wok or anything that looks like a wok, with olive oil. zucchinis are good undercooked and overcooked imo so worry about the chicken, that's the only thing that matters.

Put the cooked noodles (read the instructions into the wok, stir everyone, soy sauce, soy sauce, salt and pepper. yum yum.
You can add shiitakes if you love them.

The butternut recipe shown in the thread is nice. I eat butternut soup with crispy bacon and garlic bread. Yummy.

help how do i cook breakfast i havent eat in 3 days i only have egg and salt

>>26
Take the bus to KFC and buy some "fucking" chicken burgers!