early life, dad was arrested
always heard that it was because some girls lied about him
I was three, all I knew was that daddy was gone.
fast forward seven years, dad get's released on my 10th birthday.
he's different, but I still idolize him. Dad's my hero.

Dad's been out for a few months
he's rough, but still awesome dad.
eating dinner one night, older bro slurps his milk
dad threatens to stab brother if he makes cocksucker sounds again.
blownaway.jpg
mom ushers us out of room, has long talk with dad, dad says sorry, but seems like he's not sorry.
mom tries to explain ptsd, don't get it, but understand my dad has seen some shit, ade him rough.
resolve to never disappoint him ever.

few months later, get into a bad atv accident
massive bruises on my back, led, damage to hips, etcetera, can't walk.
wake up and need to pee, room is right near the bathroom, no bedpan, don't wanna piss in my bed.
try to walk, fall down, have to crawl to bathroom
dad hears me, comes around corner, yells at me for being weak
start to cry
dad kicks the shit out of my ribs several times, mom comes running in, stops him, helps me to bathroom
feel like a failure, I'm not as strong as my dad wants me to be.

fast forward to next year
dad introduces me to a woman and her two kids
says she's gonna be my mom too
little girl is, like, year and a half, little boy is like four, seems kinda retarded, only says four words or so.
mom cries a lot
I still don't get it.
spoiler: polygamy.

fast forward again, I'm 15.
dad has two kids with stepmom, another kid with my mom.
I'm out of school now, problem child.
aggressive, defiant, strong willed
dropped out of GATE program for telling teacher to fuck herself, damn near got expelled
home study through a stupid program, get a week's worth of work and turn it in when I get next week's work.
working 10-12 hour days with dad roofing, remodeling, tree work, etcetera
aintgottimefodat.gif
grades failing
dad tells me that every percentage under 90 I complete, I'll be sorry.
try to work and complete schoolwork too
score 68%
get home and my father stands me against the entertainment center, takes off my shirt, and whips me with a belt 22 times
blood and shit
can't help but cry out. Fuckin' hurts.
he strikes me five more times for weakness when I fall down.
realize i don't love him anymore.
feel terrible for realizing that.
dad's been through some shit, his dad was abusive, army time was hard on him, prison was worse, he's got issue, not his fault
makeALLtheexcuses!.jpg
resolve to be so fucking strong I'll never show pain again

fastforward to end of 2000, I'm almost 16
we move up into the mountains
live for a year
always starving
rationed to a pack of ramen and half a gallon of water a day
only water source three miles away by foot
have to clear the land to even use it
live in an unheated cab-over through a Sierra Nevada winter

father borrows gun from neighbors, shoots a deer
fuckyes, meat!
shares meat with neighbors
neighbors turn us in for poaching for $500 reward after eating half the meat
dad's a felon in california, gun use is 25-life
run the fuck away, leave the state.

land in wisconsin, with a polygamous family he knows.
september 10, 2001
stepmom is huge and pregnant
hop out of truck, meet most of the family, feel like I'm missing someone.

9/11/01, come inside house (slept outside in tents) see WTC attacks
meet dad's friend's oldest daughter
loveatfirstsight.webm
propose to her three weeks later
she tells me to cool it, wait a year, get to know each other.
yeah, good idea. Derp. -_-
spend a year sending letters back and forth, get to know each other, spend what time we can together when our families meet, etcetera.

july 4th, first kiss. She tells me she loves me for the first time.

September 8th, she sneaks out of her window to me, and we say our vows to each other in secret
(her father refused to give his blessing, didn't like me AT ALL)
september 15th, we elope with the rest of my family back to california.

work with my dad some more, as usual.
buy some barren land in the mountains again, no forest this time
tons of black widows though. Fucking terrible.
family lives in camper trailers and a shanty I built for my father
wife and I live in tiny 8X8 shed with leaky roof and tarp for a door.
wife gets pregnant
starts to have a miscarriage at 6 weeks
we move her to the house so she can be more comfortable to try and save the baby
no room for me, i sleep alone for a week.
no avail, she loses the baby.
she's different now, distant, always sad. Figure it's from the loss.
She is adamant that she gets pregnant asap, so we have lots of sex even though I see she doesn't enjoy it.
sure enough, she gets pregnant.
I turn 18, we move back to the coast, and work some jobs out there.
Dad wants to move to texas.
fuckthat.png
dad freaks, screams, yells, threatens, throws me out of the family, disowns me, blah blah blah, been through this before.
whatever, faggot. You go, I'm staying.
move in with my gramma
get a job
get an apartment
pay bills
first kid born
happy

wake up the next morning
what.
the fuck.
did I do.
try to talk to wife about it, she tells me it was okay
don't believe her, wracked with guilt.
over the next three months, try to kill myself several times.
try to OD on sleeping pills and booze. Throw up in my sleep, don't die. Terrible nightmares, watching my dad rape my wife forever.
try to cut my veins, don't have the balls to cut deep enough, blood too thick.
try to drink myself to death, harder than it sounds.
try to hand myself twice, once, the rope breaks, second time, the board I was hanging myself from broke.

thinking about how to get it done, then realize that if I die, he'll just take her as a wife.
have three daughters at this point, what would happen to them?
no, as much as a failure as I was, that wouldn't be a part of it.
no, would live to see him wrecked.
New goal, destroy dad.

Stepsister comes to my older bro and my wife
says that dad had been molesting her since she could remember, she was 16 then.
they make a plan, the next time he got slobberingly drunk, they'd call the police.
they ask me to hide his weapons, I do so.
cops show up, they arrest him, and as police drive away, my wife fills me in on things.

the week she spent in the house during her miscarriage, he raped her, and told her that if she told, he'd kill me.
he held that over her and continually raped her for the next seven years.
she was pretty sure that all the kids were mine, except my oldest. She was a little less sure about her.

fuck my entire existence.

have four kids at this point, get a job, move off of land
two kids diagnosed with Autism.
Wife pregnant with kid 5
after we have the fifth daughter, she opens up to me a little bit, lets me know that normal sex doesn't do anything for her, she hates normal sex.
I understand, I really do.
she lets me in that she wants to try BDSM, she thinks it would help her work through her issues.
WTF? How would that even?
she feels like I scorned her for her sexual tastes, closes off.
I find out a few months later that she joined a BDSM forum and had been chatting it up with other people.
feel betrayed, freak out.
she says that she wasn't doing anything to meet up, but meetups were a HUGE part of it. Had pics of herself on the site.
SUPER paranoid, don't accept it for a long time.
slowly ease into it, but that gulf still remains.
catch her cybering with other people while I am on night shift.
freak the fuck out
she says it was nothing, just roleplaying.
getting more and more paranoid.
she tells me she isn't in the mood, then masturbates to O 12-15 times as soon as I leave while cybering. Brags about it in IMs.

I see these IMs when she leaves them up, and feel hurt. I react poorly.

We move back to Cali, because FUCK missouri, and keep arguing. I try to accomodate her as best i can, but it seems nothing I do it right.

We hash things out, and I agree to try getting into what she is into.
it's fun, I can do this
I still don't feel like I can trust her completely.
every september, shit gets shitty. One year, she told a roomate that she didn't know how much longer she would be with me. (2012)
she told someone over IM that men were stupid, especially hers, and that she couldn't get simple concepts though my head (2013)
consistently complains about me and talks poorly about me behind my back.
as I am battling low self esteem, PTSD, anger issues, and whatever myself, I do my best to keep it together, but it doesn't always work.
I always apologize.
I have never hit her.
I have never insulted her.
I have ALWAYS told her I love her.

She started doing a direct sales business in 2011 that has taken a lot of her time.
I work 10-14 hours a day, so i don't have time to clean. I don't feel I'm out fo place to expect her to do it, since she stays at home while the kids are in school.
house is consistently messy as fuck.
she says she earns a trip to the midwest for her business, some sort of incentive thing.
She'll be gone for three days.
no, four.
no, six.
no, eight days.

I'm not on board. I need to work, i can't watch the kids, i have no vacation time, I don't want her to go, we were going to go on a trip together.
she says she's going anyways.

HELL WEEK PASSES

she comes back, she's different.
businesslike, cold, no affection. Won't say I love you, won't hug me back, turns away from kisses.

I'm getting more and more paranoid, starting to have panic attacks. Never had that shit before, it sucks, yo.
one night, I was sleeping before work
I have a terrible dream that I come home one day, and my house is empty. That she took the kids and went to be with someone she met at her business trip out in the midwest.
my anger and hurt drive everyone away from me, even the rest of my family.
I wake up as I put a gun barrel in my mouth and pull the trigger.

not in a good way at this time. I message her to let her know I am awake, would she like to spend some time together before i go to work?
(I work nights, from 6PM to 6AM, and this was around 4PM. I had slept in my office so as to not disrupt the goings-on upstairs)
I get a cold, harsh response, she was school shopping for the kids, someone needed to do it, why don't I spend some time with them instead, and be a father before I went to work.

overlyfucking harsh. Red flags out the ass.
log on to her FB.
She wasn't school shopping, she was talking to someone, getting a tarot reading about her relationship future.
person asked if she was happy, she said no.
said she had never really loved me, ever.
said our relationship made her feel trapped.
said that it made her feel hollow, so she ignored me in favor of her business and the kids
the lady asked her if she was thinking of leaving me
she said that she knew I was awake and that I had looked at her messages in the past, and that she would have to continue this conversation some other time, and deleted the entire conversation.

fucking shaken.
this was on August 9th
if she knew that I sometimes read them, why wouldn't she just say no, and let me read it, if she was planning on staying?

went on anniversary trip, not what we were meaning to do, but nice.
went horseback riding, shopping, went to the beach and had a picnic, mom watched all five kids
got drunk, got stoned as fuck, ate some aphrodesiac chocolate, and fucked each other's brains out all night long.
felt like we were kids again, it was awesome.
were close for about a week after
slowly drifted apart
got paranoid, started snooping her messages again
she joins a IRC cybersex chatroom at the urging of one of her cunt friends
doesn't tell me until i see it up
says it's just for the roleplay again
try not to be suspicious, fail miserably