I can't greentext for the life of me, so here's a story in "raw" format, I guess:

So I ate like 15 prickly pears yesterday and then I woke up this morning with the urge to go to the bathroom where I'm fairly certain I shat out at least a little bit of my intestinal track amidst all the liquid shit, so I decided it would be a fairly good idea to visit the doctor.

Turns out my stomach is alkaline (or whatever the opposite of acid is), so I got all these meds and then got sent home with orders not to overexert myself and to eat chile. Well, on the way back I decide it would be a good idea to cease praising the Sun and walk in the shadows for a bit so it isn't lovingly beating on my back, when three guys pop out and do the standard "give us your phone, wallet, and wristwatch" routine.

I tell them that they should give me a break cause I was sick, they get annoyed, I get angry, we start arguing, one of them decides they might as well just knock me out and take my stuff. Big mistake. None of them even brought knives or even a toy gun. 0/10 would not jump with.

I used my superior reach due to half-German masterrace height to break his nose and with the second swing kidney shot him. The rascals use their shorter height to get around the tight alley and grapple me from behind and I'm convinced this is the end so I start praying really, really hard cause I'm about to get lynched.

The guy that's not grabbing me hits me in the stomach pretty hard, but I can feel something change. He hits me again and all of a sudden I find myself projectile vomiting into his mouth that's supposed to be uttering some sort of tribal war-cry that got replaced with third-rate yodeling. He flips out and gets out of there as quickly as he can.

Will continue

Turns out my stomach wasn't the only thing that was sick though, so I did my best to hold in the second surge, grabbed one of the guys that was holding me before he could get away, and proceeded to firmly grasp his face and then vomit right onto his horrified expression.

Of course, things were not bound to get better and in the ensuing fit of laughter I found diarrhea flooding my pants, so I walked the last mile or so home covered in vomit and smelling like shit, but at that point I didn't give a single damn.

I now find myself sitting on my couch, drinking water and gatorade, completely naked cause the wind feels nice and I'm home alone.

So, how was you guys' morning?

>>1
Nice story Grandpa', please tell more.

That really is a shitty morning.

>>1
the tuna or pads?

>>3 ⊙▽⊙
I've got a few. Let's see... there was this time in AP Econ. My roommate and I are enamored with the idea of studying in the US, so we both went to a boarding school that will acredit us with a High School diploma in the US system.

We decided to take AP Econ together, and we were doing just fine until we hit Fiscal Policy. If you thought the rest of economics was abstract and confusing just try to look at some of the shit the Fed and the National Reserve can pull to control the economy. My roommate gets a string of infuriating 58-79s, I get 80s to 95s, still unacceptable to me.

My roommate gets a brilliant idea "Hey, Anon, every time I answer a question incorrectly, it was because when I chose that answer I was convinced that it was correct." Well, no shit, Sherlock. "So this time, whenever I convince myself that an answer is correct, I'll choose the one that's completely the opposite!"

mfw

We took the next test, and my roommate was smiling smugly to himself the whole time, I just answered what I knew. Teacher comes in the next day "Class, I am very disappointed. This last test was disastrous."

He hands all of the tests back, I got a 76, so I was keeling over from a heart attack. I took one look at my roommate's horrified face, however. He got a 24. Every thing I got right, he got wrong, every thing I got wrong, he got right.

>>5
Tunas, I'm addicted to them. I'm taking a break from them though.

>>7
i've got a few growing in my yard, but i fucking love to slice and fry up the pads like peppers with eggs n shit

>>8
I mostly just grow corn, squash (I think? calabaza), tunas, and beans in my yard. There was a failed attempt at a rice paddy at one point. The tunas are calling out to me, but I must be strong.

>>9
i don't have the yardspace for that much where i'm at but i do have kumquats. them shits are delicious

>>1
Estás en el DF anon?

>>10
Kumquats?

>>12
Nah, estoy en el Edo. de Puebla.

>>14
think super sour mini oranges that grow really well in summer heat

>>16
That sounds really, really good. Where do you get them?

>>10
send me some kumquats please. so gud

>>17
i bought the tree off a farm in texas, it's a dwarf variety, so it's only a couple meters tall. the only problem is that i gotta cover it in the winter, and that's a pain in the arse

>>18
never, i'm going to hoard all the kumquats

>>19
Ooh, now I have to go jump the border.

>>21
it's a pretty common citrus here, you could probaby find it in a lowe's or home depot

>>22
I'm in Mexico though...

>>1
alguien tiene el video de la mayita sin censura?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OI0hoFV-L98

Moar you magnificent bastard!

This thread is not political in the slightest

This thread is not political in the slightest

Oops a duplicate >>27